If you have had a sibling, you can absolutely relate to this article. Sibling rivalry is an inevitable phase of kids while they grow! And has existed as long as families have!
As long as there is more than one kid in a family, sibling rivalry is inescapable! Sibling fights often leave the parents feeling exhausted and worn out with all the teasing and quarrels, and forcing them to wonder why they seem to fight so much!
Parents fear the sibling rivalries might carry forward to their adulthood and create a negative environment in a family. And parents put in all efforts to sort that out but a lot many times, they fail. Don’t worry, it is a phase and shall pass too, but it is your onus as a parent to sort it rightly to create a healthier environment at home for the kids to grow and as well for you to hold on to your sanity!
I have an elder brother too, and relate to all of this so much! And still, remember those days when I wanted to interfere in everything he did. Would not let him study or play on his own or with his friends! I would want everything that he owns and a share of it each time. Being the youngest myself, I was very adamant and would not want to listen to him or his bits of advice! Would make a mess and irritate him all the way for him to react and end up crying as though it was his entire fault (to get my mother’s sympathy of course- smart me!). Funny, but true.
With age, we got out of it, especially when parents did not take sides and dealt with it smartly! I still love to fight with him but it is always for fun or a healthy argument. So yes, the whole point is all of us go through this, but there are ways the parents could deal with it.
Parent’s Concerns About Sibling Rivalry:
Parents would be tormented to see their children fight especially when they just portray that they hate each other. And especially when they want to promote a warm and loving relationship within the family and siblings, this can absolutely disturb the parents. Anger, furious, confused, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed are the usual feelings of a parent in such cases.
Parents Worry that their kids Would:
- Hurt each other physically and emotionally.
- Might damage one of their or both their self-esteem if the fights never stop.
- Chronic fighting that never ever stops.
- Might start bullying.
- Lack empathy towards each other and others, in turn.
- Would not care for each other.
What Causes Sibling Rivalry:
Have you ever thought about it? When I ponder looking into my past with my elder brother, of course, a lot of those memories have faded, but have an opinion that would like to share. The siblings basically do not choose the family they are born into or choose each other unlike what they do with friends. They may be of the same or the different sex and are probably of the same or different ages and temperament!
Worst of all, they have to share their parents love and attention.
- Other factors like the responsibilities could be burdened on the elder one, however, the younger one would be pressurized to spend life to try and catch up with the elder sibling.
- Fathers are usually more gentle to the girls and if the other sibling is a boy, he is bound to feel irritated and agitated with the feeling of partiality.
- On the contrary, parents might differentiate the kids based on their sex for instance; the father might take his son for hunting and ask the girl to help her mother with the household chores whereas she might as well want to join them!
- Age factor plays a big role here, if the elder one is ages apart from the younger one, they would have different priorities and needs and would not gel with each other much and have differences ending into quarrels.
In a gist, it is:
- Attention
- Sharing
- Unique and different personalities
- Partiality issues
How to Stop the Squabbling?
Most importantly what matters is the parental attitude. Parents have been taught that they must be impartial to their child which is most of the times extremely difficult for the parents. It is obvious that parents are also humans who are bound to feel differently to the very different personalities having different needs and dispositions. Imagine the younger one whiling, “why can’t I stay up until late at night when Tim can!?” Inequity has nothing to do with it, it is just a simple fact that the younger one needs more sleep. The comparison makes it difficult for the parents too.
It is not simply possible to treat the kids the same way. They have to change their ways according to their behavior, needs and many more such factors. A mother cannot split herself between the two but could be shared. Similarly, her love is also shared and a lot many times one needs more of disciplining lessons than the other! But when it comes to kids, they think the parents are being partial rather than their own good. No matter what, the parents cannot be the same to both their kids.
This might even sound opposite to what you must do you can as well start by making sure the kids have lesser toys than
- Do not make comparisons: Do not say things like “look at your brother, …” or “when he could do it easily, why can’t you?” Every kid is unique and you cannot expect them to be alike even if they are non-identical twins, to be honest! Each child has to evaluated differently and not in comparison to another. Each kid in the family must have their own goals and levels of expectation might vary and should be their own, not a common one!
- Do not suppress your kid’s anger: It is right to think anger is not something we should ignore or avoid at any cost, but after all, they are humans and have tendencies to get upset and be angry. Especially furious with one another. They need adults who can assure them that parents get angry too but we have learned to control it and deal with the troubles or solve them. Do not give them license to ill behave or be cruel but acknowledge their feelings and encourage them through it positively. As a parent, you must try and control your anger too in front of them before they can master the skills too.
- Don’t have favorites: If a kid is a troublemaker and the other one is an angel, you must not take sides. It will only make your kid hate each other even more and create in-repairable differences. If you prefer one over the other, there is bound to be a glitch in their relationship whether or not they show it. It is absolutely unhealthy.
- Do not make everything equal: Very easily parents want to escape the sibling jealousy(R) and rivalry by giving and making everything equal for the kids. Instead, try to make your kids equal by treating them as special individuals.
- Hold family meetings: Of course, it does not have to be a formal one but you can always have an entire family get-together and hash out issues once a week or month. Give each of the chance to speak about their grievances and come up with solutions together.
How To Create Solid Sibling Relationship:
- Set a stage for bringing your families close to each other right from the beginning: When you are pregnant with the second child, speak to the first one about it and make them feel positive about it. Bring a sense of belonging to one another.
- Let them have significant experiences together: When you go for a family vacation, let your kids have special memories together that they can cherish throughout their lives.
- Tell them about your childhood days with your sibling: Sharing stories helps them relate to one another and feel blessed too.
- Build a team: Do not put them in a competitive environment, rather encourage them to be a support to each other by assigning the same task to both of them to help them work as a team.
- Help them to learn the art of sharing: Show them how sharing is caring. Shared interests also build a deeper connection. Let them not only share things but their interest as well.
- Teach them compassion and love for family: One on one conversation will help them to come out of their struggles and help them to counsel each other and help when in need.
Let us know how do you deal with the children and if you have further things to share and help out the other moms reading with us here by commenting. We love to hear from you and please share ahead.
