Adoptive families get to hear a lot of things from all the people around – friends, neighbors or strangers. Multiple questions and remarks make the families uncomfortable, even if you do not mean to be interfering. You must always know the questions not to ask adoptive parents to not make it awkward for them or yourself.
What one must understand is that adoptive parents go through the same things that any other parent does when having a biological child. Adoptive parents knowingly or unknowingly are bombarded with questions from various people making them feel uncomfortable. Unless you belong to an adoptive family yourself or know an adoptive family, you probably would not be aware how significantly positive adoption feels.
Basic Points about Adoption That You Must know:
- Adoption is a permanent state of the person in a family
- Adoption is legal and involves the court.
- Few aspects of adoption are private
- Adopted kids grow up to be just like any other kid.
Many times the adopted families are made to feel inferior due to the phrases and questions from people around. Why would anybody want to know how much one paid for adoption or the reason for adoption really? There are many more things never to say to adoptive parents.
1. Which One is your Real Child?
Don’t you think this is the most insensitive question to ask? This is the worst question you can ask a family with both biological child and an adopted child. Obviously, every child in their family is “real” and “their” child. These terms are absolutely absurd. Especially when the adopted one is around, don’t you think they would feel lesser important than the other family? Please understand that there is no authentic way to form a family and this question sends a signal that the only way to a family is biological which we know is not true. And there is no appropriate way to know this even if the adopted child is not around. You must not indulge in asking this question ever.
2. So Lucky a Child to have been Adopted by Your Family:
Even if your intentions are to complement them and their family, it does not come out that way. Your statement makes them feel that they have done a charity by adopting or rescued the child. No! This is not the right phrase to say to an adoptive family. Instead, you can say “What a wonderful family you all are.”
3. You are Lucky to Never go through the Childbirth Pain and Weight Gain again, Adoption is so much Easier:
Before you can even say a word about adoption, understand from your relative or family what it is all about. How much a family goes through to adopt a child. If there are no biological changes, understand that there are changes to the mental state to a very large extent when you have a child. Regardless of the adopted child’s age, the changes and adjustments in the life are exactly the same with some additional challenges sometimes depending on what the family and the child has gone through.
4. Will You have your Own Child?
This is an awful thing to say. And, what does that even mean? “Own” child? What do you think is the adopted child for them? If you want to discuss with the family about the biological child, at least use the term right and cautiously.
5. How Much did it Cost?
Don’t you think, the answer to this should simply be “none of your business”? The adoptive parents have not purchased something from the market that you would be curious to know the value. It is a child and did you just try to refer to it as a purchase? Yes, everyone knows that costs are involved in adoption, and so is the case with a childbirth. If you want to know the details since you are considering adopting too, you must ask them to refer you to the organization where you can find more answers. Do not request the adoptive parents to answer your personal financial details. And, if you aren’t looking for adoption, you must get this question out of your head!
6. Why was He Given Up?
You might be concerned and want to know about the child’s background but in any form, you are trying to be intrusive. Not every family would wish to share this information with you, especially if they do not know it themselves in many cases. They surely do not want to let out their child’s personal story public.
7. What if She Searches for her Real Parents?
A question of this type brings in a feeling that the adoptive parents are only babysitting the child. Many people do not realize that adoption is very open today. Many parents would tell their child that they were adopted and there is not to be ashamed of.
8. Why did you Adopt if you Could get Pregnant?
Because it is their choice firstly and then there are also people who have their belief in adoption and do not really worry to give a biological child. A child is a child, be it adopted or biological. The adoption process is a beautiful process which the adoptive parents understand.
9. Now that you have Adopted, you will get Pregnant Sooner:
This is absolutely absurd to say. It is not that everyone who adopted a kid failed to get pregnant. Everyone has a choice to have a biological child or adopted. Also for those who have not been able to get pregnant, have very emotional and rough memory about it, so, joking about it could be unwelcoming for them and rude.
10. She Does not Look Like You:
Thanks and good observation, however, you seriously think this is a worthy comment? Why would someone point this out having adopted a child especially? The adopted parents must give a dead stare to the person commenting this.
Adoption in itself is a very beautiful process and life changes completely giving a sense of love and affection each day. These things you should never say to adoptive parents as it only hurts them and also shows that you do not have a heart either even if you are trying to show concern.
